Thirty years is a long time. Thirty years without you around is forever. I have always wondered about the important little details I’ll never know. Maybe I couldn’t handle them anyway.

You acted in kindness, but didn’t realize what you were doing. It cost you everything. It cost me a piece of my heart.

Since the following day when I found out, I’ve never been the same. My patterns are different. Over the years, the acute became chronic. Shock’s sharpness dulls, but lingers…

I was not the very closest one to you. I can only imagine the greater pain. That is beyond my comprehension and my ability to bear.

If you hadn’t always been out there possibly going to show up, or just appearing and making things right throughout my entire early life, the devastation might not have been so complete. We could count on you, and you brought us peace and contentment. I’ve rarely ever met anyone so very special, and you didn’t even realize you were.

Seeing two-thirds of my name on your tombstone made me aware of how uncertain and shattering life can be. That this happened to you, the strong one, the family protector, made me know how fragile, in some ways, we all are. It was a lesson I didn’t need to confirm.

But here I am, three decades later, still bewildered, still missing you, but choosing to celebrate who you were and what you did, and not dwell on what we lost. I choose this way, because that’s what you would do, and because of your strength, I still hear your voice…

I wish you yellow roses (like those you gave to Aunt Mernie), and white. I wish you the love you gave to all of us, and I wish you peace…that is, until I get there. Then, we’ll find something good to get into, because now, I am much more like you than I used to be…

Love Always,

Your Cousin,

Sue