External To My Fears

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We need less longing for simple, real friendships, and a lot more creation of them. Sometimes, what’s just under the surface, hidden beneath fear and bad memories, is a key to set us free.

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I decided, external to my fears, that I can trust you, individually, that you would almost never do anything to intentionally or cruelly cause me pain. Know how difficult it is to take such a risk. It is frightening, even just in thought. The follow-through takes all the strength I have, because I am fighting with myself – the part that wants to remain safe against the part that wants to continue to experience good in the world.  I am realizing they can co-exist.

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So, even though initially, face-to-face I may, occasionally, look at you with questioning eyes, or sometimes not look at you at all, hesitate to walk your way, or not reach out to you, understand that that may be my pain reminding me the world is dangerous. If the pain succeeds in mentally/emotionally isolating me, then it can have full access, uninhibited, to further destroy me, and I don’t want that to happen.  This is my time to win.
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If I gain you, I gain a friend. I gain a chance to know some of the good in the world. I see caring looking right back at me. That is undeniable, even for me, and I so need to believe and proceed, for I have seen and heard, and felt the worst to the point I could barely believe it as reality.
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You are a chance for me to remember how to live. But don’t think that you always have to represent the strength and the wisdom. I have learned much. I observe keenly. Sometimes life depends on it.
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One word of caution. My idea of friendship is bonding with decades of deep conversations, shared experiences, as time allows, and also laughter. Life isn’t life without it. We all need to heal, heart and soul.
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So, if you decide you are “in”, know that there may be fears and “false starts” on my part. If you want the friendship I offer, don’t give up. Comfortable balance takes a little while to establish. Everything can feel awkward in the beginning, and I’m learning not to run.
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Some days and events will take so much more patience than you could ever have. If you somehow struggle through, you will arrive at a place of understanding, acceptance. and also…of love.  Real, honest emotions are part of the deal…
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– Your Potential New Friend